We are here to help your family get through the COVID-19 Crises Go Now

4 Words Kids Use When Coping with Emotions

Categories
Children Emotional Health Parenting

4 Words Kids Use When Coping with Emotions

You can help your children to learn true freedom when coping with emotions and difficult situations by teaching them to think about life using certain words and phrases.

Emotions can flood the healthiest of minds. Children’s minds are not naturally equipped to make logical sense of powerful emotions and difficult situations.  Kids are equipped, however, with the ability to adapt and shift their minds.  Some of the inattentiveness that naturally occurs in young children can come in handy when dealing with challenging situations. It is interesting to see that when kids feel like they have little control, they tend to use certain words and ask specific questions to try to create order when coping with emotions.

As parents, we can help our children understand the power of these words and how they impact a person’s mindset. We need to guide our kids toward using helpful words during difficult circumstances — words that will shape positive perspectives and give them the tools to overcome life’s challenges and mentally reframe difficult to manage moments.

Words Kids Might Use When Coping With Emotions

Let’s look at four different words that kids might use as they try to process the world around them. The way our kids use these words, phrases, and questions in conversation with us will determine how we can shape their thinking in positive ways. The power of words can make a tremendous impact on a child’s mindset and reality.

What If?

“What if” questions tend to arise when a child’s reality is painful or when worries flood their mind. These questions can create a tsunami of worry and catastrophic thinking. They can also direct the mind toward an ideal outcome. The beauty of “what if” questions is that it can help the brain give their life story flexibility.  Stories are not fixed and are dynamic. “What if” questions can diffuse negative emotions by seeking explanations.

Consider the following questions:

  • “What if I was better at basketball? Would my dad love me more?”
  • “What if I was thinner or better looking? Would my mom be proud of me?”
  • “What if my mom and dad hadn’t gotten a divorce?”
  • “What if my mom loses her job?”

These questions evoke different scenarios to cope with painful emotions, deal with the past, and conjure a sense of control. These questions try to anticipate the future and play out the ideal scenario. However, asking “what if” questions can stir feelings of anxiety and worry about the future unless you address them quickly as a parent or help your child learn positive ways to use “what if” questions.

Should

The word “should” communicates a specific demand and expectation. It gives an unyielding picture of how events should take place or how life ought to be. Creating statements with the word “should” ignores that we can’t control other people’s actions, thoughts, or decisions. It is a fixed perspective that does not allow flexibility to the story.

These statements of expectation may sound like this:

  • “My dad should spend more time with me!”
  • “Dad’s shouldn’t leave their families!”
  • “My mom should not drink.”
  • “My mom shouldn’t yell.”

These statements may be accurate, but what does the word “should” do to someone emotionally? Notice that it is demanding and inflexible; it creates expectations. When someone or something doesn’t meet these rigid expectations, children may feel disappointed, frustrated, judgmental, or angry. The power of words so small as “should” can have an enormous impact.

I Wonder

“I wonder” questions reveal a lot about our kids’ worries and insecurities. It can open a window into how they are coping with emotions. In my counseling practice, I’ve heard children ask the following:

  • “I wonder if my parents are going to get a divorce?”
  • Or, “I wonder if my dad loves me.”
  • “I wonder why my parents argue so much.”
  • Maybe: “I wonder if my dad will have time to play this weekend?”

Help guide your children to ask these questions using the word “could” (explained below) to help them accept a few different outcomes. For example, your child might say, “I wonder if my mom and dad will stay together.” You could turn that question into a “could” statement such as, “My parents could decide to split up, and what I can control is _______.”

In a child’s early development, wonder often starts with questions that explore how things apply in their world or how things work. As children develop further, they may shift toward wondering what others think or how things might go wrong.

God engages our wonder and curiosity. Realizing how things can be different within the context of a loving God and His kingdom can bring true freedom to a person’s mind and soul.

“I wonder” expresses not only curiosity but hopes and wishes when things seem out of control. It is essential to help kids openly express these questions and to cope with their emotions and what is influencing the direction of the “I wonder” questions.

Emotions can flood the healthiest of minds. Children’s minds are not naturally equipped to make logical sense of powerful emotions and difficult situations.  Kids are equipped, however, with the ability to adapt and shift their minds.  Some of the inattentiveness that naturally occurs in young children can come in handy when dealing with challenging situations. It is interesting to see that when kids feel like they have little control, they tend to use certain words and ask specific questions to try to create order when coping with emotions.

As parents, we can help our children understand the power of these words and how they impact a person’s mindset. We need to guide our kids toward using helpful words during difficult circumstances — words that will shape positive perspectives and give them the tools to overcome life’s challenges and mentally reframe difficult to manage moments.

Words Kids Might Use When Coping With Emotions

Let’s look at four different words that kids might use as they try to process the world around them. The way our kids use these words, phrases, and questions in conversation with us will determine how we can shape their thinking in positive ways. The power of words can make a tremendous impact on a child’s mindset and reality.

What If?

“What if” questions tend to arise when a child’s reality is painful or when worries flood their mind. These questions can create a tsunami of worry and catastrophic thinking. They can also direct the mind toward an ideal outcome. The beauty of “what if” questions is that it can help the brain give their life story flexibility.  Stories are not fixed and are dynamic. “What if” questions can diffuse negative emotions by seeking explanations.

Consider the following questions:

  • “What if I was better at basketball? Would my dad love me more?”
  • “What if I was thinner or better looking? Would my mom be proud of me?”
  • “What if my mom and dad hadn’t gotten a divorce?”
  • “What if my mom loses her job?”

These questions evoke different scenarios to cope with painful emotions, deal with the past, and conjure a sense of control. These questions try to anticipate the future and play out the ideal scenario. However, asking “what if” questions can stir feelings of anxiety and worry about the future unless you address them quickly as a parent or help your child learn positive ways to use “what if” questions.

Should

The word “should” communicates a specific demand and expectation. It gives an unyielding picture of how events should take place or how life ought to be. Creating statements with the word “should” ignores that we can’t control other people’s actions, thoughts, or decisions. It is a fixed perspective that does not allow flexibility to the story.

These statements of expectation may sound like this:

  • “My dad should spend more time with me!”
  • “Dad’s shouldn’t leave their families!”
  • “My mom should not drink.”
  • “My mom shouldn’t yell.”

These statements may be accurate, but what does the word “should” do to someone emotionally? Notice that it is demanding and inflexible; it creates expectations. When someone or something doesn’t meet these rigid expectations, children may feel disappointed, frustrated, judgmental, or angry. The power of words so small as “should” can have an enormous impact.

I Wonder

“I wonder” questions reveal a lot about our kids’ worries and insecurities. It can open a window into how they are coping with emotions. In my counseling practice, I’ve heard children ask the following:

  • “I wonder if my parents are going to get a divorce?”
  • Or, “I wonder if my dad loves me.”
  • “I wonder why my parents argue so much.”
  • Maybe: “I wonder if my dad will have time to play this weekend?”

Help guide your children to ask these questions using the word “could” (explained below) to help them accept a few different outcomes. For example, your child might say, “I wonder if my mom and dad will stay together.” You could turn that question into a “could” statement such as, “My parents could decide to split up, and what I can control is _______.”

In a child’s early development, wonder often starts with questions that explore how things apply in their world or how things work. As children develop further, they may shift toward wondering what others think or how things might go wrong.

God engages our wonder and curiosity. Realizing how things can be different within the context of a loving God and His kingdom can bring true freedom to a person’s mind and soul.

“I wonder” expresses not only curiosity but hopes and wishes when things seem out of control. It is essential to help kids openly express these questions and to cope with their emotions and what is influencing the direction of the “I wonder” questions.

DANNY HUERTA, PSYD, MSW, LCSW, LSSW

Related Products

No related product is available

More from Focus on the Family

Copyright © 2023 Focus on the Family.

Built with by Kiwi Website Design   |   Follow us on