The most common complaint among married couples is a lack of communication. Too much conflict is among the top five reasons people divorce.
On a rare leisurely Saturday morning, Rob was moody. Ann prepared her husband’s favorite pancakes and brewed coffee, but at the breakfast table, Rob disconnectedly pushed the pancake around his plate and let the coffee get cold.
Though Ann initiated conversation, Rob’s silence magnified their lack of communication.
Clearly, she thought, he would rather be fishing or on the golf course with his buddies.
Feeling rejected, Ann felt tempted to dish back negativity by giving Rob the silent treatment. After all, if he didn’t want to communicate with her, she wouldn’t talk to him. If he didn’t want to look at her, she wouldn’t look at him.
Still simmering internally, eventually she unloaded her hurt with a barbed jab. “When are you going to clean the garage? It would be nice to park my car inside.”
Glancing up, Rob saw the disapproving look on his wife’s face, picked up his plate and took it to the kitchen. Ann’s heart broke as she heard him give her lovingly prepared breakfast to the dog. It was still morning and already the long-anticipated weekend was ruined.
“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all,” Paul instructed in Romans 12:18 (ESV). Yet the most common complaint among married couples is a lack of communication. Too much conflict is among the top five reasons people divorce. If we’re doing our best to live peaceably, why do conflict and communication issues continue to escalate between spouses?
The Root of Conflict and Communication Issues
As husbands and wives, families, and fellow inhabitants of planet Earth, we have gotten really, really good at being in the 5 Rs. The process goes like this:
- Something happens or is said, done, not said, or not done that results in me feeling rejected. In this scenario, Ann’s creative efforts to cheer her husband were ignored.
- Rejection is a lousy feeling, so I become resentful about feeling rejected. Ann made up a story about why Rob was withdrawn.
- Feeling resentment, I resist relationship with the person I feel resentful toward. This showed up when Ann gave the silent treatment.
- Resistance turns to action when it leads to revenge. Revenge is the desire that another feel the same pain I feel so they know what it feels like. Ann’s verbal attack about the condition of the garage was aimed for Rob to feel hurt in the same way Ann felt he had hurt her.
- Repeat. Unresolved, this cycle is automatically repeated over and over until a relationship is damaged beyond repair. Rob did not engage with Ann, so Ann disengaged from Rob, so Rob distanced himself from her barbs, and Ann kept a wall between them, and so the pattern continued.
These are the 5 Rs that spell destruction to relationships: rejection, resentment, resistance, revenge, repeat.
The more this cycle is repeated in a relationship, the cycle becomes completely automatic, even expected, and people unthinkingly play out their parts. She says something in that tone of voice. He doesn’t pick up when she phones. She is perpetually offended. He pouts when he doesn’t get his way. This conflict is the foundation for couples who look at the framed wedding photo and wonder what happened to their happily ever after.