You may want to know how to help and support someone you love who’s in an abusive relationship. Here are several ways that can enable you to be there for them.
I’ve noticed over the years that every time I speak on abuse, someone always asks me this question: “How do I help someone who I think is in an abusive relationship?”
Time and time again, I’ve seen that it’s typically not the victims who are standing in line to talk to me after I speak — it’s their loved ones. A brokenhearted mom. A dad who hasn’t seen his daughter in months. Or a sister who has tried multiple times to find help for the victim.
In many cases, their loved one has pulled away — a little or completely. And they’re dealing with negative emotions because of that. Many of them know that they need to deal with their painful emotions if they want to maintain a relationship with their loved one.
They desperately want to know what they can do to help, love, support and encourage someone they love who is in an abusive relationship, but they don’t know where to start.
Here are several ways that can help you learn how to help someone in an abusive relationship.
Listen well and take them seriously
First and foremost, take seriously what the victim shares with you and do not dismiss what they’re saying just because it may sound hard to believe. This may seem like a given, but it’s absolutely critical.
Victims are often afraid to speak up for fear of being dismissed or concern that the truth will be viewed as a lie. Also, in many instances, victims have coped up to this point by minimizing their pain and plight. So if a loved one comes to you and tells you that they’ve experienced (or are experiencing) any type of abuse, listen intently and don’t discount their story — encourage them to speak the whole truth.
When your loved one shares vulnerable information with you, they’ve chosen to trust you with something terrifying and risky. Do not violate that trust. Listen first before doing anything else. Be an emotionally safe person with whom they can share.
Let them finish telling their story. Don’t hurry this part. Eventually you will want to shift the focus and seek to discover and validate the facts. Support the victim in taking whatever steps are necessary to get — and stay — away from the danger. They’ll need clarity in figuring out what to do and what not to do going forward.
If the victim is a minor or if you find out a minor is around physical or sexual abuse, none of this applies. Instead, call Child Protective Services — which you can do anonymously, even without telling the victim. In many cases, not telling the victim is best, as they may warn the abuser or act in a way that could put them in a dangerous situation with their abuser. Make sure that proper authorities are notified.
Assuming the victim is an adult, here are a few do’s and don’ts to help you respond correctly:
Do
- Listen.
- Validate their openness and encourage them to continue to share the whole truth.
- Support them.
- Tell them you’re there to help them.
- Let them know that what’s happening or has happened isn’t OK.
- Pray for them.
- Tell them you love them.
Don’t
- Tell them you always hated their abuser.
- Tell them “I told you so.”
- Ask them how they could let the abuse happen.
- Begin with a mindset of doubt that closes them off to you.
- Become angry.
- Accuse or blame them.
- Tell them what their next steps, emotions or long-term decisions should be.
- Tell them to leave the abuser immediately.
- Tell them you plan to call the cops.
- Tell them you’re going to confront the abuser.
Though it may be difficult, the best time for you to process the situation is after the victim is in a safer and healthier place. You have every right to be hurt, angry and sad for them. You have every right to set boundaries — and you should. But the initial conversation with the victim is not the time to do so. Instead, focus on connecting with the heart and emotions of your loved one.
How you respond to the victim will set the tone for their decision to come to you again to share their experience. Telling them what to do, making threats or reacting in an angry way feels similar to what they experience with their abuser. Do your best to listen and show extensive amounts of love and grace.
Everything else can come after that, preferably after you’ve talked with a professional counselor or the hotline.
It’s critical that you don’t do anything that would place you or your loved one in danger. Calling the police if you don’t have physical evidence, confronting the abuser directly or reacting impulsively could lead to the abuser hurting someone. There may be a time when that’s appropriate, but first process with a professional and receive help to determine what your next action should be. Safety should be the first priority.
If you’ve already had a conversation with the victim and it didn’t end the way you’d hoped, don’t worry — it’s not too late. The rest of these tips can still help you support and encourage your loved one.
Have grace
If your loved one has hurt you or your family during this process, remember that they need your grace and forgiveness. They aren’t receiving that from their abuser, and you can be a refuge of safety for them.
I hope and pray that you get to have the conversations that I’ve had with my family —the ones where I’ve apologized for the many ways I’ve hurt them — and we were able to heal over time together.
But those conversations would have never happened if my parents hadn’t shown me they were a safe place to run — free of abuse and judgment — when I needed it most.
Hearing about abuse is a highly emotional and painful experience to process, so make sure you have grace for yourself, too.
Be kind and honest
Demonstrating kindness and honesty is a way you can show your loved one that you’re different from their abuser.
Here are some do’s and don’ts:
Do
- Speak truth into their life and their sense of identity.
- Point out abuse gently when you see it or hear about it.
- Provide the victim with examples of what love and health should look like.
- Encourage your loved one to receive help and support and to take the next step.
- Be clear and kind about your boundaries so they don’t seem like a punishment.
- Be patient.
Don’t
- Become angry.
- Demand that the victim take an action — even if it’s the right action to take. It needs to be their decision.
- Blame them for their abuser’s behavior.
- Give them advice on how to confront abuse (unless a professional has given you the OK to do so).
- Enable the abuse in any way.
Most of all, pray a great deal. This is a long road for many people, so don’t become discouraged if it takes them a long time to take a step forward.