While there’s no one-size-fits-all formula that will instantly revolutionize a mismatched marriage, a few principles can contribute to the health of a relationship.
My wife, Leslie, and I lived a fairy-tale life. A home in an exciting, upscale neighborhood. Two beautiful children. The exhilaration and challenge of climbing the corporate ladder. Sure, we had issues to work through in our marriage, but our relationship remained strong and secure. Our deep love for each other smoothed over a lot of rough edges.
Then unexpectedly, someone came between us. It wasn’t an affair. It wasn’t the resurfacing of an old flame. That someone was none other than God himself.
Leslie announced one day that, after a long period of searching, she had decided to become a follower of Jesus Christ. To me, this was awful news! “Look, if you need that kind of crutch,” I sneered at her, “if you can’t face life without believing in a make-believe god, then go ahead. But don’t give the church any of our money and don’t try to get me to go anywhere on Sunday mornings.”
Nice guy, huh?
That was the opening salvo in what turned out to be a turbulent, emotion-churning phase of our marriage. Our values began to clash, our attitudes started to conflict, and our priorities and desires were suddenly at odds. More than once I let my frustration with Leslie’s relationship with Christ spill over into a tirade of shouting and door slamming.
How to live out your faith in a mismatched marriage
Needless to say, I wasn’t making it easy for my wife to grow in her new faith. To Leslie, Christianity wasn’t a crutch, it was a source of wisdom, comfort and joy unlike anything she’d ever experienced. And she couldn’t share these experiences with the man she loved the most! Every time she tried to help me understand, I would ridicule her or ignore her pleas. Leslie later said this experience was like visiting some beautiful and romantic city, drinking in its wonderful sights and sounds, but knowing I was neither interested in going with her nor hearing about it when she got back. It was the first time since we met as teenagers that we couldn’t experience something together.
As for me, I wasn’t sure I wanted to continue experiencing anything with my wife. I felt like a victim of a bait and switch. I had married one Leslie — the fun-loving, risk-taking Leslie — and she was being transformed into someone different. I wanted the old Leslie back!
Everything culminated one hot, humid day while I was mowing the lawn after another of our arguments. “That’s it,” I muttered as I plowed through her flower bed. “This isn’t what I signed up for! Maybe it’s time to think about getting out of this marriage.”
But before it was too late, Leslie learned how to live her faith in a way that began to attract me rather than repel me. She learned how to grow and even flourish in her relationship with Christ, despite discouragement from me. Though Leslie would admit that she made mistakes, she was the one who restored equilibrium to our relationship.
How to honor God … and your unbelieving spouse
While there’s no one-size-fits-all formula that will instantly revolutionize a mismatched marriage, a few principles contributed immeasurably to the health of our relationship. If you’re married to an unbeliever, the following may help you thrive in your own spiritual mismatch:
Shift your focus from your struggles to your Savior. When you’re being pulled simultaneously in two directions — toward God by the Holy Spirit and away from Him by your spouse — it’s important to remember where your priorities should lie. Staying riveted on the plight of a mismatched marriage bogs us down in our troubles rather than lifting our eyes toward the One who deserves our primary allegiance, the One who meets needs that our spouse never could. God recalibrates our life, and He empowers us to love our spouse when that person is not very lovable. He loves our partner even more than we do! So pursue the joy of God — resting in His presence — rather than the happiness of better external circumstances.
It’s true that the best ways to cultivate an ongoing intimate relationship with God — praying, studying Scripture, attending church and engaging in fellowship with other believers — are the very activities that unbelieving spouses frequently discourage. “I learned that if I wanted to pursue various spiritual disciplines to keep close to God,” Leslie says, “I had to do them under Lee’s radar screen.”
Leslie never tried to hide from me that she loved Jesus and wanted to grow in her relationship with Him. I was quite aware of her devotion to Christ and the fact that she was praying and studying the Bible. However, Leslie was wise to pursue her spiritual growth out of my presence. That practical concession enabled her to take the next step in keeping her relational priorities straight.
Make your spouse the No. 1 human being in your life. One reason for my angry outbursts during our mismatched time was the feeling that I was losing the woman I loved. To put it bluntly, I was jealous of Jesus! For the first time in our marriage, Leslie’s emotional needs were being met by someone other than me. It felt like Leslie had broken our marriage agreement by seeking comfort and encouragement from someone else.
Over time, I saw that Leslie’s devotion to Christ actually reinforced her love for me and made her want to strengthen our bond. Instead of ignoring me in favor of Christ, church and her Christian friends, Leslie redoubled her efforts to be a caring, thoughtful spouse. I could see that I was still the most important person in her life — just as she was in mine.
Our different beliefs didn’t mean we had to stop relating in other areas. We were married because we enjoyed each other’s company and shared a lot of mutual interests. Leslie made sure that we were able to continue pursuing those things together. And though she desperately wanted me to recognize my need for Christ, she continued to love me as her partner — not as her project.