WARNING SIGNS THAT YOUR SPOUSE HAS MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES

Triggers of Mental Health Issues

Benzio stresses that most people’s mental health doesn’t deteriorate — or improve — overnight. But triggers can accelerate a mental health decline. “There are times when someone might function relatively well, but then they get a diagnosis or experience a loss — of a job, a loved one, of finances or of structure — and then they start to crumble,” he says.

A circumstance may also trigger repressed emotions from a past experience.

For example, one woman was sexually molested when she was 8 years old. She buried that experience and the resulting emotions until her daughter turned 8. That’s when this mother started feeling high levels of anxiety and fear and stopped sleeping well.

With no evidence to suggest wrongful behavior, she began worrying about her daughter’s male teacher, as well as sleepovers and other situations. When someone’s past is causing present-day mental health problems, it can take a while for a person and their spouse to identify the issue, Benzio says.

Ways to Help Your Mentally Ill Spouse

Initiate a Gentle Conversation

If you’re concerned that your spouse has mental health issues, you’ll need to talk with them about what you’re seeing. Before you do that, however, remind yourself that:

• You are both on the same team. Satan is the enemy, not your spouse.
• Part of love is helping your spouse understand when they are struggling so they can address that issue and not have to suffer any longer. “That’s what you lovingly want to accomplish,” Benzio says.

Be sure to approach your spouse in a loving, careful way, after asking them for some uninterrupted time to discuss something important. Begin the conversation by expressing your love. Benzio recommends saying something along these lines:

“I love you, and you mean the world to me. We’re married for life, but for us to move forward and to continue to live that abundant life that God has for us, there are some things I’d like to share with you that could help us move in that direction even more.”

Reassuring your spouse of your love will help them better receive the hard message you have to share. Instead of starting with, “Hey, you seem a lot angrier lately,” set the stage for that message.

“We take it for granted that our spouse knows we want to see them thrive, that they’re valued and we want them to reach their God-given potential,” Benzio says. “But in that moment, my wife might not know that unless I say it.”

Once you’ve expressed your love for your spouse, clearly present the changes you’ve observed.

Ask Questions

Don’t make assumptions. Ask how your spouse is feeling and what they are thinking. Ask if they know of a cause for the changes you see. “Be a good detective,” Benzio says. Ask questions such as:

• How are you feeling emotionally?
• What do you find yourself thinking about during the day?
• Are you also noticing these changes?
• Do you feel you are walking in the path God has for you?
• Can you help me understand why you are struggling?
• When was the last time you felt like yourself? And what has happened since then?

Get an Outside Opinion

Once your spouse sees that you have good intentions, he or she will be more willing to communicate, Benzio says. If the issue is too much for both of you to solve on your own, bring in a professional to provide guidance and expertise. Whether you talk with another couple, a mentor in the church, a pastor or a therapist, outside advice can lead you on the path to healing and restoration.

“We have accountants who help us with our taxes, we have lawyers who help write a will,” Benzio notes. “We reach out for expertise in many different areas. For some reason in our personal world, it’s a lot harder for us to say, ‘Hey, I need help and guidance.’ “

He says it’s also important for your spouse to have a medical exam and lab work, just to rule out any physiological cause of the problem.

Know the Role of Medications

If medication is prescribed for your spouse, it’s important to know its role.

Medications can help reduce the symptoms such as anxiety, depression, and poor concentration so people can think more clearly, sleep better, and more easily apply God’s wisdom to their lives. And that can make a big difference in their lives.

Psychiatric medications are an “important miracle,” Benzio says, because they help correct the natural processes of our brain chemistry. “But they are just patches, like Band-Aids, that help reduce symptoms that interfere with our ability to make good, sound decisions,” he explains.

With medications, he’s seen people “manage their emotions better and have their depression be a 3 out of 10 instead of a 10 out of 10. They’re able to get closer to God and see their situations more clearly. They’re able to make better decisions. And decisions are the exercise of the brain, so then their brain chemistry starts to improve.”

Improved brain chemistry allows some people to decrease their psychiatric medication after six months or a year, he says. If the issues are caught early enough, some people may be able to stop taking the medication.

“But they (medications) don’t cure,” Benzio emphasizes. “They help biochemical problems but aren’t a cure for psychological or spiritual issues. I’ve been prescribing these kind of medications for 32 years, and I haven’t seen them cure anyone yet.”

Recognize that Mental Health Issues Are Common

As you talk with your spouse, it’s important to realize that they may feel shame, since mental health issues still carry some stigma in our society. If that issue comes up, let your spouse know that everyone has “cracks.”

“We all need coaching — we all have psychological defects,” Benzio stresses. “Jesus is the only one who has perfect brain chemistry. None of us are building on a perfect rock-solid foundation.”

Know a Husband’s Challenge

It’s especially difficult for men in our society to communicate any mental health issue. “Men are called to be leaders in their marriage,” Benzio says, “and they often think:

• How can I be looked upon as a leader if I’m weak and have this depression or anxiety or fear?
• I want my spouse to look up to me, to respect me, to know that I’ll take care of her no matter what. Strong people aren’t fearful or depressed.
• But if I voice my feelings, if I’m weak, how is she going to trust me to be the one to take care of her? I don’t want to dump that on her.”

Because of that, many husbands isolate themselves and don’t talk about those emotions, he says.

Have Regular Check-ins

Whether or not you see warning signs of mental health issues in your spouse, Benzio says it’s good to have regular check-ins with each other about how each spouse is doing emotionally and psychologically.

Make this a time when you share observations about each other and any struggles you may be having.

“If you’re having those regular conversations, it makes it part of the norm and establishes the fact that you’re a team, you’re there to help each other,” he says. “Satan is good at making spouses think they are opponents of each other instead of being on the same team. We both have the same goal: When you hurt, I hurt. When I hurt, you hurt. We’re tied together.”

The Bible and Science Agree on Mental Health Issues

As a psychiatrist and a Christian, Benzio sees mental health in a way many do not. He can show secular scientists where the Bible affirms their science, and he can also explain to the Christian layperson where the Bible supports scientific understanding.

“The Bible doesn’t use scientific terms, and science doesn’t use biblical terms, but they are both talking about the same thing,” he says. “As a Christian therapist, I get to blend those and help the Christians understand the scientific elements and the science community understand the biblical elements.”

Science simply helps us understand what God has created, he explains, and that includes our brains.

Jesus: The Perfect Psychiatrist

“I think the mind is the coolest thing that God has created, and there’s a lot of great science about how the mind works,” Benzio says. “Psychology is just understanding why we do what we do, why we make the decisions that we make. Jesus is the wonderful counselor, and He’s the great physician. So when we put those two professions together, we get a psychiatrist. So Jesus is actually the perfect psychiatrist.”

God knows exactly what makes our minds work well and He gave us the Bible as an instruction guide for using our minds, Benzio says.

In fact, in Matthew 13:15, Jesus gives us His psycho-spiritual healing prescription: “Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them.”

As a psychiatrist, Benzio interprets this verse in this way:

“If you see reality clearly, you see your situations clearly. You see God for who He is, and you see yourself for who you are, including your weaknesses and frailties. That way, you see what’s going on through godly lenses. Then you hear with your ears: You hear God’s answer to the situation and reality that you’re in. Then you understand in your heart how to connect God’s answer to the situation that you’re in. And then you turn — you put that into action and make decisions based on that information. If you do that, then Jesus says, ‘I will heal them.’ ”

Use the Bible to Make Good Mental Health Decisions

The Bible shows us how to look at our situations clearly, and based on that, how to make a healthy decision. Good decisions are key to a healthy mind, Benzio says.

“Whenever you make good decisions, your brain chemistry balances, or is rewired in a positive way, or as the Bible says, ‘is renewed,’ ” he explains. “The more we make godly decisions, the more we renew our minds.”

The goal is to become a more consistent, godly decision-maker. “That’s the cure God has given us,” Benzio says. “Based on our decisions, our brain chemistry can change. And that’s called neuroplasticity. The Bible talks about neuroplasticity in many ways.”

He points to the passages about renewing the mind, and also about what happens when you make bad decisions and end up with the reprobate mind, the degenerate mind, or become double-minded.

“When we make good decisions, our brain changes in a positive way: We can see that in SPECT scans of our brain (functional MRIs of our brain),” Benzio says.

A New Mindset

Although you and your spouse may have accepted Christ’s salvation, you “don’t get a brain transplant” when you’re saved, Benzio notes. “We all have psychological dysfunction,” he says. “We all have blind spots. But we have the potential to renew our minds.”

Spouses need to keep an eye on each other’s blind spots and stay alert to warning signs of mental health issues. And if there is a problem, you can help your spouse move toward health as you talk it through, depend on God and seek support from others.

“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.”

Isaiah 26:3